Author Archives: thissideoftherainbow

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About thissideoftherainbow

First and foremost, I'm a mom & I love it more than anything else on this planet. I'm a talker. I'd like to think that keeping this blog will help me to reduce my chatter, but who am I kidding?

Make Me Up

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In my first blog post I talked about the Forbes article, 7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future. Shane and I are doing a good job avoiding these 7 things that could hurt Charli’s future, except for one…

7. You criticize your own body, and/or other women’s bodies.

Let me be completely honest for a moment – I HATE talking about body image and appearance. There will always be someone skinnier and prettier than I am. There will always be someone who considers me to be skinnier and prettier than her. It’s a terrible, vicious cycle.

That being said, I know that I can teach Charlotte a lot of things about being an intelligent, successful woman.

I cannot teach her how to be self-confident [as it relates to appearance].

Why? Well, friends, I can’t teach what I don’t know. Therefore, I have set out on a mission to boost my own self-esteem.

Step 1: Make Me Up

I have never been good at hair and makeup. My best friend of 10+ years will attest to that! She’s been great about teaching me the basics of makeup application. She also taught me how to curl me hair with a curling iron when I was 16. Unfortunately, I’m not a great student when it comes to these things, so I recently became obsessed with a professional, Bobbi Brown.

I’ve been two of her books for makeup guidance and self-confidence boosters. Her newest book, Pretty Powerful, has been a blessing for my new makeup endeavors.

My attempts at improving my makeup skills are proving successful. I still have a lot to learn, but I’m much happier with my appearance now that I am forcing myself to wear makeup.

Here are a a couple before & after examples of the magic of makeup.

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Makeup Before and After

Getting ready for Kristen’s birthday.

Makeup Before and After

Practicing for our ’20s holiday party. *Please note that I am only wearing eye makeup in the photo on the right – hence the circles under my eyes.

30 x 30

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I recently read a blog post by a friend that was about her 30 x 30 goals, and I loved the idea. Basically, she and another friend created the idea to set up bucket lists with milestones they would like to hit by the time they are 30, 40, 50, etc. For 30 years old, there are 30 goals.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what goals I would set for myself. It’s not as easy as I anticipated. Regardless, I need to set goals for myself – goals for me as a mom and as an individual.

Here it goes! My 30 x 30 goals in no particular order…

1. Take up yoga
2. Donate to Locks of Love
3. Volunteer more
4. Plan and execute at least one fundraiser for pancreatic cancer research
5. Have a children’s book published
6. Learn html
7. Strengthen my CSS “skills”
8. Earn a position as a manager or director of marketing
9. Start AND finish some of the DIY projects from my Pinterest
10. Taste test a recipe from my Yum! board once a month
11. Write a book for Charlotte each Christmas
12. Start a Christmas Tradition – adopt-a-family, food drive, something charitable
13. Start a Christmas Tradition – giving one homemade gift to each family member
14. Have my second baby
15. Get married
16. Give Shane’s house a much needed makeover
17. Buy a house
18. Adopt a dog
19. Plant a vegetable garden
20. Cook a holiday dinner all by myself
21. Give up soda
22. Refresh Spanish skills and possibly take some classes
23. Teach Charlotte basic Spanish with the help of her Papa
24. Learn how to do fun braids and hairstyles for Charli
25. Write a business plan for a maternity store in either Topeka or Manhattan
26. Keep Charlotte’s photo album up-to-date
27. Make sure Charli knows her grandparents who already passed away
28. Visit Canada
29. Fly over the ocean – preferably to Europe or Australia
30. Visit all 50 states*

map

*I have already visited the gray states.

Seven Years

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Today is the 7-year anniversary of the day my mom died. She was only 51 years old.

Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in early September 2005. She lived just three short months after her diagnosis. I used to think that was so hard. We had just three months to fight. Just three months to pray. Just three months to prepare.

I’ve learned a lot since then. I’ve seen my close friends watch their loved ones battle cancer for years. My friends had to watch their parents suffer through so much pain for so, so long. I’ve also lost people quickly and unexpectedly. There is no good time frame for losing someone whom you love. There is just the time that we’re given.

This year has been a little harder because I have Charlotte now. Sometimes I imagine my mom holding her, rocking her. I imagine them playing together and Charlotte smiling up into her grandma’s face. I know it’s silly to dream about the impossible, but it doesn’t stop me.

Seven years without my mom. It’s really hard to fathom.

I lean on my belief that she simply moved. Instead of standing next to me, she now lives in my heart. And since she is still in my heart, I can share her love with Charli. I know that my mom will be a part of Charlotte’s life even if she isn’t physically present.

Each year that passes I’ll feel the same – Wow, 8 years, 9 years, 10 years without her. No matter how many years I go by, I’ll still have 18 years before she passed. Those were some good years.

Bittersweet Christmas

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The Christmas season is upon us! Colorful lights adorn houses and Christmas trees can be seen twinkling inside front windows. People are shopping around the clock… And heart-wrenching stories of families in need fill inboxes and airwaves.

Christmas is bittersweet for me. It was my mom’s favorite holiday. I remember listening to her playing carols and hymns on the piano, singing along. I enjoy all of the memories, but the ache of missing her is a little stronger during this time of year.

It’s also bittersweet because I enjoy giving gifts to family and friends, but there are so many people who can’t even give to their own children. I feel guilty when I think about all of Charlotte’s clothes and toys. She doesn’t want for anything.

Just this week, I learned about three different families that need necessities for their children – clothing, shoes, blankets and beds. It’s hard to hear about babies not having a crib to sleep in, and older kids sleeping on the floor so the other children can have a bed. Shane and I are giving to each family the best we can. I know I’ll learn of more families as we near Christmas, and I’ll find a way to give something then, too.

Some people might consider me weak. Or see my empathy as harmful to myself. They may right, but I learned from my mom who took extra coats, gloves and hats to school so all of her students would be warm. And she learned from her parents who to this day give more than what they keep for themselves.

Christmas is bittersweet because I am reminded of hardships and blessings. I see struggling families, but a community rises to the occasion to them.

One day, I hope my daughter is plagued by bittersweet Christmases. I hope she is blessed as much as I am – if not more. I hope that her Christmas is filled with joy as she gives to those in need while still giving to loved ones. One day, she just might tell her daughter about her “weak” mother who learned empathy from her mother and so on and so on…

Immortal Grandparents

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My grandparents are immortal. I decided this long, long ago. However, like most childhood dreams, the world has a way of shining light on the holes – like mortality.

I’m blessed to have such amazing grandparents, and to have them for so long. I lost my mom nearly 7 years ago. They lost their first born. And then their last child just 9 months later. I have always been in awe of their love for one another, and recently in awe of their strength. They are the rock, the hub of our family.

My grandpa has been suffering from health issues for a while. He is back in the hospital with a potentially devastating prognosis.

We visited grandpa twice while visiting family in Nebraska this weekend. I stood there watching him play with Charlotte in his hospital bed, giving her sweet kisses, and I was so amazed. He is faced with surgery on his abdominal aorta and/or losing his leg, but he was all smiles and love.

Some day I hope to be as strong as my grandpa. I hope to encourage and love my grandchildren the way he has. In the mean time, I’ll take advantage of time with him and place my daughter in his arms as much as possible.

My grandparents are immortal. When I was a kid, I thought this meant they would be alive forever. Now I know that they will be made immortal through the impact they have made on their friends, family and community. Their memory and their love will live on.

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366 Days

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366 days ago I went home from my MBA strategic marketing class feeling fine aside from some minimal heartburn. I don’t know why I decided to take a pregnancy test. I remember talking to Bear as she sat in the bathroom doorway while I took the test. I told her how silly the test was. When I walked back into the bathroom I could see the face of the digital test. I remember thinking, “There’s only one word. There should be two words…” Sitting on the floor next to my toilet was one word in bold, black writing – PREGNANT.

In a state of panic or numbness or just plain naivety, I drove to the grocery store and purchased a second test… Different brand… Not digital.

I sat in Shane’s bathroom and watched as the line and cross appeared dark, blue and fast on the EPT test. He was out for guys’ night, so I called my sister to verify the validity of these silly little pee tests. Much to my dismay, they are far more accurate than I imagined.

I broke the news to Shane when he got home from guys’ night. He was like a deer in headlights. The look on his face made me so uncomfortable. I laughed awkwardly and begged him not to look at me like that. He walked over to the bed and slowly sat down. I’m sure I apologized one hundred times, but he hushed me and told me that there was nothing to apologize for.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I never dreamed about weddings when I was young, but I always dreamed about having children. But as I sat on the edge of the bed, Shane held me as I cried. I was terrified.

366 days ago I learned that I was going to be a mom.

And I have never looked back.

Coughing Cat

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I am the proud mama to a special cat, Bear. I just found out the poor thing has a second UTI in a month and now has bronchitis. She’s also the proud owner of a “WILL BITE” sticker on her chart at the vet. That’s my girl.

I brought her home in a large cardboard box from my grandparents’ farm in May 2007. No one in my family thought she’d survive living with me. Thanks, family. I would carry her in my hoodie pocket and she would attack my eyelashes while I slept. She also liked to climb up the pant legs of me and my roommate while we got ready, meowing constantly, and she would occasionally pee on things. Yeah, we were besties from the get-go.

When I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte I was really nervous about Bear. I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about animals climbing into bassinets and cribs and accidentally suffocating babies because they wanted to cuddle. Bear isn’t exactly big on cuddling, especially if you want her to, but she likes warm bodies to lay on. I was also worried about how much a baby would flip her little world upside down. The last thing I wanted was for Bear to be unhappy about the pregnancy and baby, ultimately leading to me finding a new home.

I waited for months for Bear to react to my growing belly or changes in my hormones. She continued being her spiteful, pissy and sometimes loving self. Bear acted as if nothing had changed up until the moment we brought Charlotte home. And she was ticked.

Our house was full of people coming and going, which was stressful enough for Bear, but then there was this small thing sitting in my lap, taking up all my attention and keeping me from paying attention to the very important needs of my cat. Bear would sulk on her favorite couch cushion and hiss at anything related to the baby – the nursery room door  or the empty carseat.

After everyone guests stopped visiting, Shane returned to work and my dad and his wife headed back to Nebraska, Bear and I had a very important chat.Bear and Charli

She had just passed Charlotte in the swing and Bear hissed at her. This mama was not going to put up with months or years of a jealous cat. I laid it on the line. Bear either needed to get it together or she’d be finding a new home. She heard me loud and clear.

One day, Charlotte and Bear will be besties, too. Charli will chase Bear, pulling her tail and choking her with hugs. But until then, I have a chatterbox 3 month old and a coughing cat.

Double-Headed Coin

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This weekend I ingested spit-up. I also made Charlotte laugh by myself for the first time.

These are the two sides of the coin that is my life, and presumably parenthood. One moment you have vomit in your mouth (literally), and the next moment you’re filled with complete and utter joy.

Yesterday, I made one of the more regrettable newbie mom mistakes. Charli likes to be wiggled back and forth. She also likes to be lifted up in the air. I have been on a mission to make her smile for about four weeks, so I had the brilliant idea to couple her favorite things. I wiggled her back and forth a few times to get her in a good mood and then lifted her high about me while I sat on the couch. I smiled up at her with a big, open-mouthed smile. And then, there was something warm and on my face, in my hair and, yes, in my mouth. I began spitting and sputtering instantaneously once I realized what had happened. The spit-up from my hair and face rolled down my forehead to the tip of my nose. Even worse, I wasn’t able to expel all of it from my mouth before I swallowed.

Shane, of course, thought this was the funniest thing he has seen. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him laugh so hard or so long.

puke face

Nothing short of a video capturing the moment would do this incident justice, but this is an image shortly after the event.

Needless to say, I’ll think twice before lifting Charlotte or any other baby over my head any time soon.

As if to make up for throwing up on me, I had a sweet victory today. Ever since the baby sitter made Charli laugh in front of my, I have been on a mission to make my daughter laugh. There is something defeating and horribly saddening about the babysitter experiencing Charlotte’s firsts and me getting the second or third or fourths. That is another post within itself.

So, I have been pulling out all the stops – tickling, tossing, raspberries, kisses and nom-noms. Nothing was working.

Charlotte in bouncer

She’d crack a smile, as if to politely acknowledge my attempts, and then return to sucking on her fingers.

I changed her diaper today and then nom-nommed on her bare belly. Charlotte giggled a little before letting loose with real, adorable baby laughter that melts iciest of hearts. I can neither confirm nor deny the victory dance that may have followed the glorious victory.

Being a mom is a double-headed coin in my book. It may involve some spit-up, but no matter how the coin lands, I’m winning. I still have this beautiful blessing.

Gaining Some Perspective

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I’m going to let you in on a secret that I learned very quickly after becoming a mom last July. New parents have no idea what they are doing. None of us. We stumble around in highly caffeinated semi-comas, rocking back-and-forth and randomly tearing up at Google commercials and anything happy, funny, angry, loving, hateful, nice, rude, sad…

We question our abilities as parents on a regular basis. So when Shane shared a Forbes article with me – 7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future – I realized that my concerns are well-founded. There is a significant possibility I’m going to screw up my child. And then again, I may not.

I have read too many blogs and articles telling me things like kissing my daughter on the lips will give her cavity bacteria and how holding her will keep her from becoming independent.
The Forbes article was different. For one, it actually makes sense, and #7 really hit home.

7. You criticize your own body, and/or other women’s bodies.

*Sigh.*

Before getting pregnant with Charlotte, I was at my healthiest and most fit. I fondly dubbed that period of my life as the Skinny Summer. Thirty-five pounds gained and 28 pounds lost and hips, thighs and stomach stretch marks later, my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I frequently comment on my appearance as gross, disgusting or fat and it doesn’t phase me. The thought of my daughter inheriting a negative self-image has me thinking twice about myself and my goals as a mother.

Honestly, parenting isn’t the only thing I’m fumbling my way through. I don’t know very much about who I am yet. I do know that I want nothing more than to be the very best mom for Charli. The only way I know how to do that is to discover myself during the process of becoming a mom. Charlotte and I will grow together, and one day, when she is holding her own baby in her arms – elated, terrified and nervous – I’ll share this journey with her. How a mother and daughter (and amazing father and husband of sorts – Shane aka HOS) wrote their life story on this side of the rainbow. Image