Gaining Perspective

I still consider myself to be a new mom. I’m still figuring everything out, you know?

I make new rules for the family. And then break them.

I establish new standards. And fail to meet them.

I set new goals that I fear I will never reach.

Charlotte is my greatest accomplishment. Her very being. Her smile. Her laugh. Her everything. I just told HOS last night that we must have done something right to be blessed with this little girl.

No matter how proud I am and no matter what I do in my role as her mother, I feel like I’m never quite doing enough.

Charli is only 15 months old. I fear that my inadequacies will only expand as she gets older. I’ll finally understand one stage just in time for her to move on to another. Will I ever get mommy-hood right?

As it turns out, my feelings of failure have nothing to do with being “new.” All moms feel like we could and should be doing more. All we want is to be the very best version of ourselves, so we can be the very best moms. We are so busy looking into a mirror and seeing what we think we should be instead of seeing what we are in our children’s eyes.

Totally awesome.


Their “heart.”

The one who loves them forever.


The best.

Never in my life would I view myself as any of those things. Those words … Those are the dream. That’s what every mom yearns to be for her kids. And we had/have no idea that we we are those things and much, much more.

All it took was a Mother’s Day video project from Elevation Church to make its way through virtual space and into my Facebook newsfeed for me to breakdown and cry tears of understanding and relief.

We may feel like new moms, making mistakes and questioning ourselves.

In our children’s eyes, we are mom.

And that is love.

How does this video change your perspective of yourself as a mom?

Double-Headed Coin

This weekend I ingested spit-up. I also made Charlotte laugh by myself for the first time.

These are the two sides of the coin that is my life, and presumably parenthood. One moment you have vomit in your mouth (literally), and the next moment you’re filled with complete and utter joy.

Yesterday, I made one of the more regrettable newbie mom mistakes. Charli likes to be wiggled back and forth. She also likes to be lifted up in the air. I have been on a mission to make her smile for about four weeks, so I had the brilliant idea to couple her favorite things. I wiggled her back and forth a few times to get her in a good mood and then lifted her high about me while I sat on the couch. I smiled up at her with a big, open-mouthed smile. And then, there was something warm and on my face, in my hair and, yes, in my mouth. I began spitting and sputtering instantaneously once I realized what had happened. The spit-up from my hair and face rolled down my forehead to the tip of my nose. Even worse, I wasn’t able to expel all of it from my mouth before I swallowed.

Shane, of course, thought this was the funniest thing he has seen. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him laugh so hard or so long.

puke face

Nothing short of a video capturing the moment would do this incident justice, but this is an image shortly after the event.

Needless to say, I’ll think twice before lifting Charlotte or any other baby over my head any time soon.

As if to make up for throwing up on me, I had a sweet victory today. Ever since the baby sitter made Charli laugh in front of my, I have been on a mission to make my daughter laugh. There is something defeating and horribly saddening about the babysitter experiencing Charlotte’s firsts and me getting the second or third or fourths. That is another post within itself.

So, I have been pulling out all the stops – tickling, tossing, raspberries, kisses and nom-noms. Nothing was working.

Charlotte in bouncer

She’d crack a smile, as if to politely acknowledge my attempts, and then return to sucking on her fingers.

I changed her diaper today and then nom-nommed on her bare belly. Charlotte giggled a little before letting loose with real, adorable baby laughter that melts iciest of hearts. I can neither confirm nor deny the victory dance that may have followed the glorious victory.

Being a mom is a double-headed coin in my book. It may involve some spit-up, but no matter how the coin lands, I’m winning. I still have this beautiful blessing.