My daughter is talkative, animated and waves her hands around wildly while speaking. … She must have gotten those from her daddy. 😉
Miss Talkative
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Author Archives: thissideoftherainbow
Mother’s Day
Today is my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I keep wondering if I’m supposed to feel something special about this day. Honestly, I’m very disengaged from the day.
I adore my grandma, sister, aunts and dad’s wife, Sue. I have continued to wish them happy Mother’s Day and/or send cards, but I mostly forgot about (ignored) the holiday after my mom passed away. It just felt incomplete without her.
Everyone fills their Facebook pages with wonderful comments about their mothers and pictures of them together. Anything that I would say would remind people that my mom is gone, and it would be sad.
Of course, I think about mom all day. And I think about how I’m now in her shoes, fighting to provide for, love and raise this little blessing. I also think about how Charlotte will never meet my mom, at least not on this planet. That makes it all very difficult for me.
Sue has been a godsend. I love her and everything that she has given my dad and my family, especially Charli. She ranks amongst the most amazing women I have been lucky enough to learn from. This year, I finally felt comfortable enough to send her real Mother’s Day appreciation. I feel badly that it took so long. She has always been so great. It’s just hard to celebrate this particular holiday with my dad’s wife and it’s not my mom. … No matter how wonderful she might be. But, we will always celebrate with nana Sue from now on.
I know I’m just rambling on about things that don’t seem to mesh. I guess what I’m saying is that I spent so many years separated from Mother’s Day, I feel disconnected. I have had a decent day, and I’m always grateful for time with extended family. I just wish I could feel more joyful about the day in general.
Instead, I’ll take joy knowing that Mother’s Day is technically every day. I will never cease being a mom. I will always be blessed by Charlotte. I see her love and appreciation every time I look into her big blue eyes. And I don’t need one special day a year to make me feel good about that.
Health Enhancements
Almost three months ago, I wrote a blog post called We Are Bullshit. The post was really a rant about how women blame society for skewed views of what body type is healthy and attractive and those that aren’t. That we, as women, play the victim when it comes to body image. In the post I said that I was proud of my body, and I was going to write a post to stand by my body.
To be completely honest, I never wrote my follow up post because I gained 10 lbs after that post. I found myself in a very unhappy place regarding my body image, and it was starting to cause problems in my relationship. Despite feeling unhappy, I tried to ignore my feelings. I lied to myself, trying (and failing) to convince myself that I was 100% proud of my body. It was until April 20 that I experienced my breaking point.
Something as small and ridiculous as putting on a new shirt completely shifted my lifestyle, and the lifestyle of my family. I put that t-shirt on, looked at myself in the mirror and felt disgusting. I was disappointed that I let myself become unhealthy and unfit. And I felt so unattractive, which made me behave like an unattractive person. If that makes sense.
That was a Saturday morning. That night I stepped on a scale and was appalled. By Sunday, I started a healthy evening meal plan for HOS, Charli and myself. I started exercising on Tuesday. It didn’t take long for my muscles to remember what activity felt like. I felt good about my diet* and exercise, something I haven’t felt since the first trimester of my pregnancy.
*Just for clarification, when I say diet, I mean eating habits. I don’t believe in crash dieting. I want to make a lasting, healthy life choices for me and my family
One week after I felt so disgusting, I put that same shirt on. I’m no miracle worker, so I wasn’t without some extra love (softness in my tummy), but I felt good.
HOS and I chose to reshape our lives into something healthier. It’s something we can feel good about, and be proud of as parents. It’s only been two weeks, and we will have many obstacles to overcome as we move forward. We will also have moments of weakness – like my current obsession with cookies – but we are on track again.
I started this health enhancement wanting to lose 30 lbs, which scared my half to death. I weighed myself every day for the first week, but it only made me feel disappointed and frustrated. After week one, I only lost .5 lbs … Maybe 1 lb. … but I didn’t care! I felt great. I was happier with myself. I felt more comfortable on my clothes.
I have a new “weight” goal – feel comfortable in my own clothes and my own skin. Oh, and throw away the scale. That bitch just brings you down.
I’d love to hear about your adventures to be the happiest, healthiest version of yourself. What do you do to boost your self-esteem?
(I’ve been posting blogs from my phone, so I apologize for any and all errors. Obviously, they were all the fault of my phone and not my lazy forms of editing.)
Moments To Remember, And Those to Forget
We all have moments in our lives that we hope to never forget. Moments that touch us so deeply, and fill us with so much joy. We wish we could capture the memory, like if it were a home video – something we can replay again when we need a smile. Sadly, these happy moments often get lost. We cling to then like tattered old photos, hoping to regain a glimmer of that moment.
We also have those moments we wish we could forget. And no matter how hard we try, or how many happy memories come after, we just can’t forget. These are the memories that become like home videos.
Last week, Charlotte needed a bath so I brought her into the shower with me. At one point, she placed her little hand gently against my cheek and looked up at me with her big blue eyes. She looked at me like I was the most beautiful, amazing thing she had ever seen. And seeing her look at me like that made me feel like the most beautiful, amazing woman.
I pray that I never forget that moment for as long as I live.
Tonight, the exact opposite happened. I ran downstairs to grab some clothes and forgot to close the gate behind me, knowing that HOS was a couple steps away from Charlotte. It was an awful, terrible, heart-wrenching mistake. Charli has been following me every where lately, so I should have known she would try to follow me downstairs.
I heard a thump on the stairs and then I saw my precious, beautiful, innocent and unprotected baby fall. She fell all the way down our stairs. My heart stopped. In a split second, I envisioned every possible tragedy. And all feelings of being a beautiful, amazing women were gone and I was left feeling like the worst mother in the world.
Charlotte didn’t cry for more than a few minutes. She wasn’t even bruised. All I know is that God protected my baby girl in a moment of my own failing. And while I am forever grateful that she wasn’t harmed, my mind keeps replaying the image.
A constant reminder that every good memory is tarnished by any bad memory that can’t be erased.
Despite it all, Charli still gets excited when she sees me and cuddles into my arm when she’s tired. She still looks at me like I’m the best thing in the world. And I feel a little better.
Still Amazed
Every day I stare at my daughter in wonder.
It’s been nearly nine months, but I’m still amazed that HOS and I created that precious little girl. And I feel so blessed that God gave her to us, happy and healthy.
Each day, I learn new things about her. She frustrates me at times – when she gets into the shoes, pulls on cords or eats Bear’s fur – but I’m mostly overjoyed.
I don’t know if I’ll spend my whole life looking at her, knowing that she’s my greatest accomplishment, and being surprised that she is mine, or if I’ll some day find some feeling of … acceptance … or peace. I don’t know the right word for it.
But right now, it feels like I’ll spend my entire life looking at this beautiful girl in complete and utter amazement, thanking God that she’s in my life.
Do you share this same feeling of wonder when looking at your child(ren)?
The Great (and Depressing) Gatsby
I reread The Great Gatsby last week in anticipation for the new movie release in May. I’m still trying to work through the message F. Scott Fitzgerald was trying to communicate.
I learned very quickly that while I remembered some of the major points of the novel, it was as if I were reading it for the first time. I can’t decide if this is because I did a poor job reading in high school or because my interpretation and thought processes have changed.
As for the characters, I didn’t really care for any of them except the narrator, Nick, and his fling, Jordan. Of course, Jordan was a bit of a mess.
Tom is an arrogant man who lived in a world of double-standards where he flaunted his money. Gatsby was a stalker who made his money in very sketchy business. He also flaunted his money. And the woman they both loved so much? I can’t even remember her name, I disliked her that much.
I do remember one of the things she said, though, in regard to her daughter. When asked about the you h child, she said that she breathes.
She breathes?
That’s all this pitiful, self-involved “adult” had to say about her three-year-old. I was over her by the end of the sentence.
She did manage to anger me again later when she paraded her daughter in front of her lover like a dog and then sent her away with the maid.
Aside from being terrible parents, the characters were drunks, liars, adulterers, murderers and just bad people.
Was Fitzgerald trying to demonstrate the ridiculous life of the wealthy? Was he trying to say that you can’t chase a dream – once it’s gone, it’s gone?
It’s as if Fitzgerald was trying to say that it’s not worth it. The big adventure, the dream, the whatever will just end in heartache.
It was all quite depressing, and at the same time, I can’t think of a better ending. They don’t deserve a happy ending.
Have you read The Great Gatsby? What are your thoughts on the novel?
New Best Friends
Could it be that Bear wants to be friends with Charlotte? Is that even possible?
Could my baby girl and my cat get along?!
Eh, probably not. … At least not yet.
Thanks to Technology
I’ve been wanting to write a post about technology for a long time, and there is no better motivation than being half a country away from my sweet baby girl and my amazing HOS.
Our little family has been using Skype for a number of months now. My dad and Sue are some of those lucky people who get to migrate south for the winter. Typically, they go way south to Mexico. They asked that we start using Skype so they wouldn’t miss out watching Charlotte grow. And let me tell you, four months makes a HUGE difference when it comes to babies.
Skype has been a blessing. I can’t even explain how much it meant to see my dad and Sue on the screen, and to watch Charli scrunch up her face at what she probably thought was a mini TV.
It’s not easy living in a different state than my family on a normal basis, let alone another country. Skype makes it possible for them to maintain a strong presence in Charlotte’s life even if its via video conference. Despite the distance, my baby girl will recognize their faces and their voices.
Aside from Skype, HOS and I have iPhones, so we can FaceTime one another. At this very moment, I’m in Atlanta for work. HOS and Charli are in Topeka. I hate being away, but I’m able to call them and actually see their faces!
On the call, Charlotte just kept giving the phone mean faces, but when I sang the ABCs, she lit up and smiled! It’s like she knew it was me.
I don’t care who you are or whether or not you think technology is a pain. It has done nothing but improve the quality of my family life, and I’m so grateful that it’s free (Skype) or built into our cell phones!
What piece of technology makes life better for your family?
Mean Mommy Award Goes To…
It took us less than nine months, but we finally did it. HOS and I both made Charlotte cry, and on the same day!
How, you ask, did we achieve our first “mean mommy” and “mean daddy” awards? With two little letters …
“No.”
Charli and I were cuddling on the couch this morning when she reached up and grabbed my cheek and right eye with her dagger-like fingers. I pulled her hand away and used my stern mom-voice (first time, too). All it took was me saying “no.”
Her blue eyes got big and quickly filled with tears while her bottom lip started to tremble.
I’ll be damned if she didn’t win that fight. I swooped her up in a hug so fast and told I was sorry, but she hurt mommy. She buried her precious face in my shoulder and cried.
I felt like the worst parent.
HOS had a similar situation this afternoon while I was shopping. Charlotte is crawling!! (Video soon) and she managed to make her way over to pull on the cords in the entertainment center.
HOS told her no and the heart-breaking cry face commenced.
My best friend reminded me that it will likely get easier with time. … I’m just hoping Shane and I become a little less whipped so we can toughen up!
Lovey Dovey Eyes
HOS and I are hanging out with the nieces for a little while this evening while HOS’ sister and her husband look at houses. I have to go to the dentist soon about some filled cavities giving me discomfort, so I’m quickly dinner.
Since I’m preoccupied, HOS is walking up and down the block with a 5 and 2 year old, pushing Charli in a stroller.
Insert lovey dovey eyes here!
There is nothing more attractive than a man who is good with kids. He looked so great out there with the girls.
The first words out of his mouth when they returned was …
Let’s have more kids.
Bahaha. I had you for a second!
His words were actually something to the effect of “we’re never having kids.”
Too late, buddy!
What does your partner do to warrant the lovey dovey eyes?
This Side of the Rainbow 