Today is my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I keep wondering if I’m supposed to feel something special about this day. Honestly, I’m very disengaged from the day.

I adore my grandma, sister, aunts and dad’s wife, Sue. I have continued to wish them happy Mother’s Day and/or send cards, but I mostly forgot about (ignored) the holiday after my mom passed away. It just felt incomplete without her.

Everyone fills their Facebook pages with wonderful comments about their mothers and pictures of them together. Anything that I would say would remind people that my mom is gone, and it would be sad.

Of course, I think about mom all day. And I think about how I’m now in her shoes, fighting to provide for, love and raise this little blessing. I also think about how Charlotte will never meet my mom, at least not on this planet. That makes it all very difficult for me.

Sue has been a godsend. I love her and everything that she has given my dad and my family, especially Charli. She ranks amongst the most amazing women I have been lucky enough to learn from. This year, I finally felt comfortable enough to send her real Mother’s Day appreciation. I feel badly that it took so long. She has always been so great. It’s just hard to celebrate this particular holiday with my dad’s wife and it’s not my mom. … No matter how wonderful she might be. But, we will always celebrate with nana Sue from now on.

I know I’m just rambling on about things that don’t seem to mesh. I guess what I’m saying is that I spent so many years separated from Mother’s Day, I feel disconnected. I have had a decent day, and I’m always grateful for time with extended family. I just wish I could feel more joyful about the day in general.

Instead, I’ll take joy knowing that Mother’s Day is technically every day. I will never cease being a mom. I will always be blessed by Charlotte. I see her love and appreciation every time I look into her big blue eyes. And I don’t need one special day a year to make me feel good about that.