Category Archives: Family Matters

One Last Reason to Smile

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On Friday, my aunt sent an update to our family group on Facebook that my grandpa’s most recent stay in the hospital had taken a turn for the worse.

I immediately decided that I should visit. I didn’t know if HOS would want to be in that situation – hospitals, sick grandpa, etc. I can see how that would be uncomfortable for someone new to our clan. The big question was whether or not to take Charlotte.

My sister called and we planned a trip for Sunday, but after talking things over with HOS, I decided that Charli would be a welcome distraction for my grandma. And HOS wanted to come along. So, I told my sister we decided to go up yesterday – Saturday.

The trip is about five hours without stops. During the drive, I thought about my memories of my grandpa and all the things I wanted to share with Charlotte. I thought about what I would write in this post after the visit.

We arrived at the hospital shortly after 4:30 in the afternoon. We talked to some of the family who was there visiting, but leaving for Mass. And then we went in to see grandpa.

He seemed so uncomfortable, and reminded me so much of my mom when she lay dying in her home hospice bed. The room even smelled the same. I felt somewhat claustrophobic, but I wanted to be there. I wanted him to see me and Charlotte.

Grandpa woke up. He talked to us and recognized all the visitors. He teased Charlotte, growling and smiling at her. She tossed her toy at him and he picked it up and shook it at her.

I couldn’t have asked for a better visit.

The nurses came in and asked us to leave so they could move him and change his bandages.

It wasn’t five minutes later that an alarm went off, and a nurse asked my grandma the hardest question I could ever imagine – Do you want us to so CPR?

We all stood in shock, and the. Broke down in tears.

My precious, loving grandma had never looked so frail and so broken. After 59 happy years of marriage, she had to honor her husband’s wishes. She had to let him go, completely and utterly unprepared to do so.

The next week will be filled with tears for the loss of a loved one and smiles for the wonderful memories. We will be strong and weak, hopeful and sad.

Above all else, we will still be a family created by an amazing man and his loving wife.

HOS made a comment that he was so happy that we and Charli were there to make his last moments happy. He just wished she would remember. She’s too young, but she’ll always know that she was one of the last things to make him smile before he went to join his daughters – my mom and my aunt – in Heaven.

Highs and Lows

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I need to start writing more frequently. Little things happen throughout the week that make me laugh or make me cry. I stop and write a mental blog about the moment. … Only to forget the perfect words before I have the chance to write them down.

However, to make up for lost time, I’ll recap my week.

Early this week, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that I only spend two and a half hours with Charlotte every week day. It nearly broke my heart. I knew that working remotely would require more time away from Charli, but it had never been so clear. I’m still struggling with the my recent revelation.

20130120-173107.jpgOn Thursday, self-esteem reared its ugly head. I, uh, “wiggled” into my jeans, fresh from the dryer. As all women know, jeans out of the dryer always require a little loosening up. As I did a quick lunge to the left, my pants split wide open. … Needless to say the score of self-confidence has been evened.

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Finally, HOS and I enjoyed an evening as adults on Friday. He had a fancy-pants work event in Wichita. One I his friend’s from the area babysat while we got dressed up and went to the party.

It was a good week with its highs and lows, and it’s ending on a good note! A lazy day around the house and a lovely Skype date with dad and Sue aka papa and nana. We’ll be so happy to see them in-person in a few months!

I’m ready for another fun-filled week. And I pledge to write more frequently to prevent everyone from missing out on what are – undoubtedly – truly amazing blogs!

New Year’s Resolution

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With a new comes lots of new promises that we make ourselves: weight loss, fitness and life improvement. We usually focus on life’s exterior.

I’m no different. My 30 x 30 goals include self-confidence boosters. But I’ve decided my New Year’s resolution should be about something more than just me.

In 2013, I resolve to be a better girlfriend. I resolve to take time out of my busy schedule to spend more time with HOS. I resolve to work on my communication, so we can continue to build a healthier and stronger relationship.

My resolution is big, and it will be difficult at times – especially with my beautiful baby filling my free time – but it’s the best way to keep building my relationship and to keep Charli in a happy, healthy home.

So here’s to a new year filled with even more happiness and love than 2012!

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Behavioral Issues

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Can we just talk about Bear for a minute?

I realize that I sound like a crazy cat lady every time I write about her, but I can’t help it. It’s in my blood. My mom collected strays. My mom’s mom collects barnyard strays… I adopted one of said barnyard strays. It’s a cycle filled with felines.

Bear – my little bundle of pain – has developed emotional issues. Ok, that’s a lie. She has always been my emo, inbred kitten. If I had new roommates, she would “mark her territory,” aka pee on things.

There were a few occasions when she actually had a kitty UTI. She is going through this disaster right now. We think.

Cats should not get UTIs.

Why?

Because she spends 5 hours cleaning herself, 18 hours sleeping and 1 hour awkwardly staring at me. That should not result in somehow developing a UTI.

Regarldess, we’ve spent more than $500 during the last 3 months on her vet bills for this recurring issue. Finally, on Saturday, the vet told us to buy special overpriced urinary health, wet cat food.

Let me be clear – Bear hasn’t eaten wet cat food since she was a kitten. Five years ago.

I got her home from the vet and she was still slightly sedated, just enough so that when she walked forward her back legs would trail off to one side. And when she sat, she just stared at the floor like it’s spinning.

I put out the overpriced wet cat food and she went to town. That nasty cat food made the whole house smell like a warm non-descrip meat substance not unlike spam.

My bet was on HOS, but Bear was the one who lost her dinner.

All over the hallway.

*sigh*

HOS reminded me that she was my cat, so he would NOT be cleaning that up. Probably for the best. I didn’t need to ultimately clean up his vomit along with hers.

After cleaning up the spam-esque disaster spew, I spoke with the animal clinic that actually does have dry food. Nice. Thanks.

In the end, Bear has her dry urinary health food. I have to force feed her medicine that smells like liver. And Shane didn’t have to clean up the mess.

All for my beloved cat that may or may not be experiencing behavioral issues.

She peed on a power strip to the computer because I had been working remotely that day… At this point, behavior is the least of her problems.

Charli’s First Christmas!

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A little over a week ago, HOS and I had a quick Charlotte photo shoot for our Christmas cards. I wanted to do something cute with just Charli, so I wrapped an empty box and placed her inside with a bow on her her.

I’d like to say that my nice point-an-shoot digital camera took photos that put HOS’ iPhone 5 to shame. Alas, this was not the case. *sigh* Regardless of whose technology was better, we captured some great pictures of Charlotte. Here are a few of my favorite outtakes to celebrate Charlotte’s first Christmas!

I may be biased… But I’m pretty sure Ms. Charli is the cutest darn baby on this planet!

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Seven Years

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Today is the 7-year anniversary of the day my mom died. She was only 51 years old.

Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in early September 2005. She lived just three short months after her diagnosis. I used to think that was so hard. We had just three months to fight. Just three months to pray. Just three months to prepare.

I’ve learned a lot since then. I’ve seen my close friends watch their loved ones battle cancer for years. My friends had to watch their parents suffer through so much pain for so, so long. I’ve also lost people quickly and unexpectedly. There is no good time frame for losing someone whom you love. There is just the time that we’re given.

This year has been a little harder because I have Charlotte now. Sometimes I imagine my mom holding her, rocking her. I imagine them playing together and Charlotte smiling up into her grandma’s face. I know it’s silly to dream about the impossible, but it doesn’t stop me.

Seven years without my mom. It’s really hard to fathom.

I lean on my belief that she simply moved. Instead of standing next to me, she now lives in my heart. And since she is still in my heart, I can share her love with Charli. I know that my mom will be a part of Charlotte’s life even if she isn’t physically present.

Each year that passes I’ll feel the same – Wow, 8 years, 9 years, 10 years without her. No matter how many years I go by, I’ll still have 18 years before she passed. Those were some good years.

Bittersweet Christmas

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The Christmas season is upon us! Colorful lights adorn houses and Christmas trees can be seen twinkling inside front windows. People are shopping around the clock… And heart-wrenching stories of families in need fill inboxes and airwaves.

Christmas is bittersweet for me. It was my mom’s favorite holiday. I remember listening to her playing carols and hymns on the piano, singing along. I enjoy all of the memories, but the ache of missing her is a little stronger during this time of year.

It’s also bittersweet because I enjoy giving gifts to family and friends, but there are so many people who can’t even give to their own children. I feel guilty when I think about all of Charlotte’s clothes and toys. She doesn’t want for anything.

Just this week, I learned about three different families that need necessities for their children – clothing, shoes, blankets and beds. It’s hard to hear about babies not having a crib to sleep in, and older kids sleeping on the floor so the other children can have a bed. Shane and I are giving to each family the best we can. I know I’ll learn of more families as we near Christmas, and I’ll find a way to give something then, too.

Some people might consider me weak. Or see my empathy as harmful to myself. They may right, but I learned from my mom who took extra coats, gloves and hats to school so all of her students would be warm. And she learned from her parents who to this day give more than what they keep for themselves.

Christmas is bittersweet because I am reminded of hardships and blessings. I see struggling families, but a community rises to the occasion to them.

One day, I hope my daughter is plagued by bittersweet Christmases. I hope she is blessed as much as I am – if not more. I hope that her Christmas is filled with joy as she gives to those in need while still giving to loved ones. One day, she just might tell her daughter about her “weak” mother who learned empathy from her mother and so on and so on…

Immortal Grandparents

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My grandparents are immortal. I decided this long, long ago. However, like most childhood dreams, the world has a way of shining light on the holes – like mortality.

I’m blessed to have such amazing grandparents, and to have them for so long. I lost my mom nearly 7 years ago. They lost their first born. And then their last child just 9 months later. I have always been in awe of their love for one another, and recently in awe of their strength. They are the rock, the hub of our family.

My grandpa has been suffering from health issues for a while. He is back in the hospital with a potentially devastating prognosis.

We visited grandpa twice while visiting family in Nebraska this weekend. I stood there watching him play with Charlotte in his hospital bed, giving her sweet kisses, and I was so amazed. He is faced with surgery on his abdominal aorta and/or losing his leg, but he was all smiles and love.

Some day I hope to be as strong as my grandpa. I hope to encourage and love my grandchildren the way he has. In the mean time, I’ll take advantage of time with him and place my daughter in his arms as much as possible.

My grandparents are immortal. When I was a kid, I thought this meant they would be alive forever. Now I know that they will be made immortal through the impact they have made on their friends, family and community. Their memory and their love will live on.

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Coughing Cat

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I am the proud mama to a special cat, Bear. I just found out the poor thing has a second UTI in a month and now has bronchitis. She’s also the proud owner of a “WILL BITE” sticker on her chart at the vet. That’s my girl.

I brought her home in a large cardboard box from my grandparents’ farm in May 2007. No one in my family thought she’d survive living with me. Thanks, family. I would carry her in my hoodie pocket and she would attack my eyelashes while I slept. She also liked to climb up the pant legs of me and my roommate while we got ready, meowing constantly, and she would occasionally pee on things. Yeah, we were besties from the get-go.

When I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte I was really nervous about Bear. I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about animals climbing into bassinets and cribs and accidentally suffocating babies because they wanted to cuddle. Bear isn’t exactly big on cuddling, especially if you want her to, but she likes warm bodies to lay on. I was also worried about how much a baby would flip her little world upside down. The last thing I wanted was for Bear to be unhappy about the pregnancy and baby, ultimately leading to me finding a new home.

I waited for months for Bear to react to my growing belly or changes in my hormones. She continued being her spiteful, pissy and sometimes loving self. Bear acted as if nothing had changed up until the moment we brought Charlotte home. And she was ticked.

Our house was full of people coming and going, which was stressful enough for Bear, but then there was this small thing sitting in my lap, taking up all my attention and keeping me from paying attention to the very important needs of my cat. Bear would sulk on her favorite couch cushion and hiss at anything related to the baby – the nursery room door  or the empty carseat.

After everyone guests stopped visiting, Shane returned to work and my dad and his wife headed back to Nebraska, Bear and I had a very important chat.Bear and Charli

She had just passed Charlotte in the swing and Bear hissed at her. This mama was not going to put up with months or years of a jealous cat. I laid it on the line. Bear either needed to get it together or she’d be finding a new home. She heard me loud and clear.

One day, Charlotte and Bear will be besties, too. Charli will chase Bear, pulling her tail and choking her with hugs. But until then, I have a chatterbox 3 month old and a coughing cat.