Category Archives: Becoming Mom

A lesson among lessons in my new motherhood adventure is that I will always be “becoming mom.” No matter what age or what life experience my daughter (and future children) go through, I’ll be learning alongside them. I’ll become the mom she/they need over and over again.

Truest Love

Posted on by
1

I think one of the great questions of humanity is how to know what true love looks and feels like.

I cannot accurately answer that question, but I vividly remember the few times I have seen it.

The first time, HOS and I were getting a sonogram to find out the sex of “lil’ red”aka Charlotte. HOS stared at the screen in wonder as the radiology the shower us the first pictures of our baby girl. I wish I could describe the look on his face and do it justice. Instead, I’ll just say that it was like he was experiencing joy, pride, excitement and awe in its fullest and purest combination. It brought tears to my eyes.

The second time, HOS was in Dallas for work and Charli said dada for the first time. Charlotte and I Skyped him that night, and just before the ended, she said dada. It doesn’t matter that we knew she wasn’t actually talking to him, but it doesn’t matter. That moment is magical. HOS had the same look on his face that he had at the sonogram.

The third time isn’t a specific instance. It’s a collection of moments when Charli is laughing, playing, singing or dancing and I catch a glimpse of HOS watching her. And he has that same look.

To this day, the way HOS looks at Charlotte still brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips.

I may be young, but I know I’ve seen what true love. It’s in the way HOS looks at our daughter. There can be no love greater.

Mother’s Day

Posted on by
1

Today is my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I keep wondering if I’m supposed to feel something special about this day. Honestly, I’m very disengaged from the day.

I adore my grandma, sister, aunts and dad’s wife, Sue. I have continued to wish them happy Mother’s Day and/or send cards, but I mostly forgot about (ignored) the holiday after my mom passed away. It just felt incomplete without her.

Everyone fills their Facebook pages with wonderful comments about their mothers and pictures of them together. Anything that I would say would remind people that my mom is gone, and it would be sad.

Of course, I think about mom all day. And I think about how I’m now in her shoes, fighting to provide for, love and raise this little blessing. I also think about how Charlotte will never meet my mom, at least not on this planet. That makes it all very difficult for me.

Sue has been a godsend. I love her and everything that she has given my dad and my family, especially Charli. She ranks amongst the most amazing women I have been lucky enough to learn from. This year, I finally felt comfortable enough to send her real Mother’s Day appreciation. I feel badly that it took so long. She has always been so great. It’s just hard to celebrate this particular holiday with my dad’s wife and it’s not my mom. … No matter how wonderful she might be. But, we will always celebrate with nana Sue from now on.

I know I’m just rambling on about things that don’t seem to mesh. I guess what I’m saying is that I spent so many years separated from Mother’s Day, I feel disconnected. I have had a decent day, and I’m always grateful for time with extended family. I just wish I could feel more joyful about the day in general.

Instead, I’ll take joy knowing that Mother’s Day is technically every day. I will never cease being a mom. I will always be blessed by Charlotte. I see her love and appreciation every time I look into her big blue eyes. And I don’t need one special day a year to make me feel good about that.

Moments To Remember, And Those to Forget

Posted on by
1

We all have moments in our lives that we hope to never forget. Moments that touch us so deeply, and fill us with so much joy. We wish we could capture the memory, like if it were a home video – something we can replay again when we need a smile. Sadly, these happy moments often get lost. We cling to then like tattered old photos, hoping to regain a glimmer of that moment.

We also have those moments we wish we could forget. And no matter how hard we try, or how many happy memories come after, we just can’t forget. These are the memories that become like home videos.

Last week, Charlotte needed a bath so I brought her into the shower with me. At one point, she placed her little hand gently against my cheek and looked up at me with her big blue eyes. She looked at me like I was the most beautiful, amazing thing she had ever seen. And seeing her look at me like that made me feel like the most beautiful, amazing woman.

I pray that I never forget that moment for as long as I live.

Tonight, the exact opposite happened. I ran downstairs to grab some clothes and forgot to close the gate behind me, knowing that HOS was a couple steps away from Charlotte. It was an awful, terrible, heart-wrenching mistake. Charli has been following me every where lately, so I should have known she would try to follow me downstairs.

I heard a thump on the stairs and then I saw my precious, beautiful, innocent and unprotected baby fall. She fell all the way down our stairs. My heart stopped. In a split second, I envisioned every possible tragedy. And all feelings of being a beautiful, amazing women were gone and I was left feeling like the worst mother in the world.

Charlotte didn’t cry for more than a few minutes. She wasn’t even bruised. All I know is that God protected my baby girl in a moment of my own failing. And while I am forever grateful that she wasn’t harmed, my mind keeps replaying the image.

A constant reminder that every good memory is tarnished by any bad memory that can’t be erased.

Despite it all, Charli still gets excited when she sees me and cuddles into my arm when she’s tired. She still looks at me like I’m the best thing in the world. And I feel a little better.

Still Amazed

Posted on by
1

Every day I stare at my daughter in wonder.

It’s been nearly nine months, but I’m still amazed that HOS and I created that precious little girl. And I feel so blessed that God gave her to us, happy and healthy.

Each day, I learn new things about her. She frustrates me at times – when she gets into the shoes, pulls on cords or eats Bear’s fur – but I’m mostly overjoyed.

I don’t know if I’ll spend my whole life looking at her, knowing that she’s my greatest accomplishment, and being surprised that she is mine, or if I’ll some day find some feeling of … acceptance … or peace. I don’t know the right word for it.

But right now, it feels like I’ll spend my entire life looking at this beautiful girl in complete and utter amazement, thanking God that she’s in my life.

Do you share this same feeling of wonder when looking at your child(ren)?

20130421-221622.jpg

Mean Mommy Award Goes To…

Posted on by
1

It took us less than nine months, but we finally did it. HOS and I both made Charlotte cry, and on the same day!

How, you ask, did we achieve our first “mean mommy” and “mean daddy” awards? With two little letters …

“No.”

Charli and I were cuddling on the couch this morning when she reached up and grabbed my cheek and right eye with her dagger-like fingers. I pulled her hand away and used my stern mom-voice (first time, too). All it took was me saying “no.”

Her blue eyes got big and quickly filled with tears while her bottom lip started to tremble.

I’ll be damned if she didn’t win that fight. I swooped her up in a hug so fast and told I was sorry, but she hurt mommy. She buried her precious face in my shoulder and cried.

I felt like the worst parent.

HOS had a similar situation this afternoon while I was shopping. Charlotte is crawling!! (Video soon) and she managed to make her way over to pull on the cords in the entertainment center.

HOS told her no and the heart-breaking cry face commenced.

My best friend reminded me that it will likely get easier with time. … I’m just hoping Shane and I become a little less whipped so we can toughen up!

Riding in Cars With Phones

Posted on by
Reply

First and foremost, happy Easter! We were blessed to spend a weekend in Nebraska with my family. It makes for a short weekend with lots of driving, but it’s worth it!!

Unfortunately, Charlotte has passed the age of sleeping the full six hours. We were lucky if she slept three. That makes for another three long hours.

I spent most if the to and from in the backseat trying desperately to keep Charlotte from fussing. We were about an hour from home today when I gave up and handed her my phone.

Easy fix!

It may be germy and breakable, but it’s better to deal with that than a screaming eight month old. … We tried.

Before I handed my phone to Charlotte, I turned on the camera. Here is my precious babe, riding in the car with my phone.

From New Mom to New Mom

Posted on by
3

One of my good friends has a pregnant friend. She isn’t in a relationship with the father, and he doesn’t seem interested in stepping up. My heart aches for her. As a new mama, I know how hard things can be, especially during the first few months, but I had HOS. We got through everything together. So I wanted to do something to help her out.

Baby showers were developed with the best of intentions. It’s an opportunity to provide mom with some gifts to take care of baby. I was blessed by three amazing showers. But like all moms, I received a lot of some things and not enough of others. To be fair, very few of my friends want – let alone have – kids.

When all was said and done, I had 21 bibs, 18 pacifiers (Charli hates them) and an infinite number of teething rings. I also received tons of great outfits, toys, diapers, wipes, etc. This is NOT a bash on showers. … More of a bringing to light of common issues.

After Charlotte arrived, I found a slew of things that I needed and didn’t know it. SO to help out this friend of a friend, I decided to put together a gift basket of items that I loved during the early months.

From New Mom to New Mom Basket

Shopping List (completely subjective
All of these items can be purchased at Target except the Halo Sleepsack, at least not that I’ve seen.

  • Halo Sleepsack Swaddle New Mom Gift Basket
  • Set of onesies
  • Infant Tylenol or Acetaminophen
  • Gas drops
  • Gripe water
  • Formula packets
  • Biodegradable disposable bags for diapers
  • Baby shampoo
  • Laundry basket
  • String or ribbon
  • Note cards

Basket Building

  1. I wrote a little mBaby Shampooessage on one note card for each item. It was either a reason for that item or some advice regarding that item. For example, on the shampoo I wrote: “Bath time is a fun bonding time. Baby only needs a drop of shampoo. (Use little to no lotion. He doesn’t need.).”
  2. Write a personal message to the new mom on note cards. Include a list of tips. One of my tips was “Make time for yourself each day, even if it’s just to shower.” Another tip was “Don’t Google! Too many scary results. Consult a friend or doctor.”
  3. Punch holes in the upper left-hand corner of each card.
  4. Using the string or ribbon, tie the card to the corresponding item.
  5. Place all of the items into the laundry basket. I realize that the laundry basket sounds like a silly gift, but HOS and I didn’t even think of it! Charli didn’t have her own basket for four months.
  6. Tie all of your advice cards to the outside of the basket.

Voila!

New Mom Gift Basket

The image I had in my head was much cuter than the end product. I’m still happy with the end result, though. And I hope new mom loves the gift!

Ok moms, I assume you’ll agree with me on this post, but I’d love to hear your thoughts. What is the number one item you would give a new mom?

Time Without Baby

Posted on by
1

It has been 48 hours since I’ve held, kissed, snuggled or just looked at my baby girl.

I left Kansas on Tuesday to attend a social media conference in Las Vegas.

I know hat you’re thinking. Rough life, right? I’m not complaining about the conference. I’m really enjoying myself. I just wish I could have packed Charlotte in my carry on.

I’m doing better than I thought I would. I haven’t cried yet, and I haven’t bored my co-worker to death with stories and pictures of Charli.

BUT there was a toddler in the flight from Dallas to Las Vegas, an the poor boy just wanted to be home. He started crying a couple times and my heart just ached. It made me want to go straight home and never leave Charlotte again.

So for the last 48 hours I’ve been baby free, and while I’m having fun, I’m punting the hours until when I get to go home.

It’s still another 36 hours until I can hold, kiss, snuggle or just look at my baby. And you bet your ass, I’m going to wake her up to do it.

Highs and Lows

Posted on by
Reply

I need to start writing more frequently. Little things happen throughout the week that make me laugh or make me cry. I stop and write a mental blog about the moment. … Only to forget the perfect words before I have the chance to write them down.

However, to make up for lost time, I’ll recap my week.

Early this week, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that I only spend two and a half hours with Charlotte every week day. It nearly broke my heart. I knew that working remotely would require more time away from Charli, but it had never been so clear. I’m still struggling with the my recent revelation.

20130120-173107.jpgOn Thursday, self-esteem reared its ugly head. I, uh, “wiggled” into my jeans, fresh from the dryer. As all women know, jeans out of the dryer always require a little loosening up. As I did a quick lunge to the left, my pants split wide open. … Needless to say the score of self-confidence has been evened.

Self-esteem 1 Angie 1

Finally, HOS and I enjoyed an evening as adults on Friday. He had a fancy-pants work event in Wichita. One I his friend’s from the area babysat while we got dressed up and went to the party.

It was a good week with its highs and lows, and it’s ending on a good note! A lazy day around the house and a lovely Skype date with dad and Sue aka papa and nana. We’ll be so happy to see them in-person in a few months!

I’m ready for another fun-filled week. And I pledge to write more frequently to prevent everyone from missing out on what are – undoubtedly – truly amazing blogs!

Charli’s First Illness

Posted on by
1

First my cat, and now my daughter. …

Charlotte started coughing last Sunday. She had little bags under her bright, blue eyes. Her nose was pink. And her cough rattled in her chest. So, in typical “new parent” style, we called the doctor on Wednesday after her cough worsened.

We were told to wait until she was sick for five days before scheduling an appointment.

If I’m anything, I’m emotional. Watching my baby go from a smiley, talkative infant to a sad, somber babe that whimpered when she didn’t feel good was heartbreaking.

Friday morning, our babysitter told us that the other baby girl went to the ER Thursday night for a fever of 104. She was diagnosed with RSV.

My “new mom” mind went crazy with thoughts of terrifying diseases, but, as it turns out, RSV is extremely common and nothing to stress about. It can result in more medical issues if not treated, so HOS called the doctor again.

After an hour wait at the doctor’s office, we learned that our sweet baby girl has a double ear infection and bronchialitis – baby bronchitis.

Yup, bronchitis. First Bear and now Charli.

Forcing Charlotte to take medicine is almost as bad as medicating Bear, too.

HOS and I have survived Charlotte’s first illness, and I managed to avoid shedding any tears.

The cough and dripping nose are still persisting, but my smiley baby is back.

And kudos to Ms. Charlotte. While she was feeling pretty crummy she had to put up with her daddy dancing it up in the doctor’s office. What can I say? She has talent.