Monthly Archives: November 2012

Immortal Grandparents

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My grandparents are immortal. I decided this long, long ago. However, like most childhood dreams, the world has a way of shining light on the holes – like mortality.

I’m blessed to have such amazing grandparents, and to have them for so long. I lost my mom nearly 7 years ago. They lost their first born. And then their last child just 9 months later. I have always been in awe of their love for one another, and recently in awe of their strength. They are the rock, the hub of our family.

My grandpa has been suffering from health issues for a while. He is back in the hospital with a potentially devastating prognosis.

We visited grandpa twice while visiting family in Nebraska this weekend. I stood there watching him play with Charlotte in his hospital bed, giving her sweet kisses, and I was so amazed. He is faced with surgery on his abdominal aorta and/or losing his leg, but he was all smiles and love.

Some day I hope to be as strong as my grandpa. I hope to encourage and love my grandchildren the way he has. In the mean time, I’ll take advantage of time with him and place my daughter in his arms as much as possible.

My grandparents are immortal. When I was a kid, I thought this meant they would be alive forever. Now I know that they will be made immortal through the impact they have made on their friends, family and community. Their memory and their love will live on.

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366 Days

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366 days ago I went home from my MBA strategic marketing class feeling fine aside from some minimal heartburn. I don’t know why I decided to take a pregnancy test. I remember talking to Bear as she sat in the bathroom doorway while I took the test. I told her how silly the test was. When I walked back into the bathroom I could see the face of the digital test. I remember thinking, “There’s only one word. There should be two words…” Sitting on the floor next to my toilet was one word in bold, black writing – PREGNANT.

In a state of panic or numbness or just plain naivety, I drove to the grocery store and purchased a second test… Different brand… Not digital.

I sat in Shane’s bathroom and watched as the line and cross appeared dark, blue and fast on the EPT test. He was out for guys’ night, so I called my sister to verify the validity of these silly little pee tests. Much to my dismay, they are far more accurate than I imagined.

I broke the news to Shane when he got home from guys’ night. He was like a deer in headlights. The look on his face made me so uncomfortable. I laughed awkwardly and begged him not to look at me like that. He walked over to the bed and slowly sat down. I’m sure I apologized one hundred times, but he hushed me and told me that there was nothing to apologize for.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I never dreamed about weddings when I was young, but I always dreamed about having children. But as I sat on the edge of the bed, Shane held me as I cried. I was terrified.

366 days ago I learned that I was going to be a mom.

And I have never looked back.

Coughing Cat

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I am the proud mama to a special cat, Bear. I just found out the poor thing has a second UTI in a month and now has bronchitis. She’s also the proud owner of a “WILL BITE” sticker on her chart at the vet. That’s my girl.

I brought her home in a large cardboard box from my grandparents’ farm in May 2007. No one in my family thought she’d survive living with me. Thanks, family. I would carry her in my hoodie pocket and she would attack my eyelashes while I slept. She also liked to climb up the pant legs of me and my roommate while we got ready, meowing constantly, and she would occasionally pee on things. Yeah, we were besties from the get-go.

When I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte I was really nervous about Bear. I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about animals climbing into bassinets and cribs and accidentally suffocating babies because they wanted to cuddle. Bear isn’t exactly big on cuddling, especially if you want her to, but she likes warm bodies to lay on. I was also worried about how much a baby would flip her little world upside down. The last thing I wanted was for Bear to be unhappy about the pregnancy and baby, ultimately leading to me finding a new home.

I waited for months for Bear to react to my growing belly or changes in my hormones. She continued being her spiteful, pissy and sometimes loving self. Bear acted as if nothing had changed up until the moment we brought Charlotte home. And she was ticked.

Our house was full of people coming and going, which was stressful enough for Bear, but then there was this small thing sitting in my lap, taking up all my attention and keeping me from paying attention to the very important needs of my cat. Bear would sulk on her favorite couch cushion and hiss at anything related to the baby – the nursery room door  or the empty carseat.

After everyone guests stopped visiting, Shane returned to work and my dad and his wife headed back to Nebraska, Bear and I had a very important chat.Bear and Charli

She had just passed Charlotte in the swing and Bear hissed at her. This mama was not going to put up with months or years of a jealous cat. I laid it on the line. Bear either needed to get it together or she’d be finding a new home. She heard me loud and clear.

One day, Charlotte and Bear will be besties, too. Charli will chase Bear, pulling her tail and choking her with hugs. But until then, I have a chatterbox 3 month old and a coughing cat.

Double-Headed Coin

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This weekend I ingested spit-up. I also made Charlotte laugh by myself for the first time.

These are the two sides of the coin that is my life, and presumably parenthood. One moment you have vomit in your mouth (literally), and the next moment you’re filled with complete and utter joy.

Yesterday, I made one of the more regrettable newbie mom mistakes. Charli likes to be wiggled back and forth. She also likes to be lifted up in the air. I have been on a mission to make her smile for about four weeks, so I had the brilliant idea to couple her favorite things. I wiggled her back and forth a few times to get her in a good mood and then lifted her high about me while I sat on the couch. I smiled up at her with a big, open-mouthed smile. And then, there was something warm and on my face, in my hair and, yes, in my mouth. I began spitting and sputtering instantaneously once I realized what had happened. The spit-up from my hair and face rolled down my forehead to the tip of my nose. Even worse, I wasn’t able to expel all of it from my mouth before I swallowed.

Shane, of course, thought this was the funniest thing he has seen. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him laugh so hard or so long.

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Nothing short of a video capturing the moment would do this incident justice, but this is an image shortly after the event.

Needless to say, I’ll think twice before lifting Charlotte or any other baby over my head any time soon.

As if to make up for throwing up on me, I had a sweet victory today. Ever since the baby sitter made Charli laugh in front of my, I have been on a mission to make my daughter laugh. There is something defeating and horribly saddening about the babysitter experiencing Charlotte’s firsts and me getting the second or third or fourths. That is another post within itself.

So, I have been pulling out all the stops – tickling, tossing, raspberries, kisses and nom-noms. Nothing was working.

Charlotte in bouncer

She’d crack a smile, as if to politely acknowledge my attempts, and then return to sucking on her fingers.

I changed her diaper today and then nom-nommed on her bare belly. Charlotte giggled a little before letting loose with real, adorable baby laughter that melts iciest of hearts. I can neither confirm nor deny the victory dance that may have followed the glorious victory.

Being a mom is a double-headed coin in my book. It may involve some spit-up, but no matter how the coin lands, I’m winning. I still have this beautiful blessing.

Gaining Some Perspective

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I’m going to let you in on a secret that I learned very quickly after becoming a mom last July. New parents have no idea what they are doing. None of us. We stumble around in highly caffeinated semi-comas, rocking back-and-forth and randomly tearing up at Google commercials and anything happy, funny, angry, loving, hateful, nice, rude, sad…

We question our abilities as parents on a regular basis. So when Shane shared a Forbes article with me – 7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future – I realized that my concerns are well-founded. There is a significant possibility I’m going to screw up my child. And then again, I may not.

I have read too many blogs and articles telling me things like kissing my daughter on the lips will give her cavity bacteria and how holding her will keep her from becoming independent.
The Forbes article was different. For one, it actually makes sense, and #7 really hit home.

7. You criticize your own body, and/or other women’s bodies.

*Sigh.*

Before getting pregnant with Charlotte, I was at my healthiest and most fit. I fondly dubbed that period of my life as the Skinny Summer. Thirty-five pounds gained and 28 pounds lost and hips, thighs and stomach stretch marks later, my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I frequently comment on my appearance as gross, disgusting or fat and it doesn’t phase me. The thought of my daughter inheriting a negative self-image has me thinking twice about myself and my goals as a mother.

Honestly, parenting isn’t the only thing I’m fumbling my way through. I don’t know very much about who I am yet. I do know that I want nothing more than to be the very best mom for Charli. The only way I know how to do that is to discover myself during the process of becoming a mom. Charlotte and I will grow together, and one day, when she is holding her own baby in her arms – elated, terrified and nervous – I’ll share this journey with her. How a mother and daughter (and amazing father and husband of sorts – Shane aka HOS) wrote their life story on this side of the rainbow. Image