At the end of the day, I spend 2.5 hours with Charlotte each night. And that breaks my heart.
Lately, this 2.5 hours have been filled with distractions. I may be physically with Charli, but I’m not there mentally and emotionally. Work is getting busier and busier. Charlotte isn’t sleeping well. Volunteer hours. Friends. Family. Events….
Somewhere in the last few months, I lost site of my real priority.
Last weekend, I hit a point that I will refer to as “Early-Year Indifference.” I no longer care about the board I sit on. I don’t care that my inbox is constantly overflowing with emails. I would rather stay at home than attend anyone’s anything. No offense. It’s not you; it’s me.
I want nothing more than to pass the time with my daughter. I want to enjoy every precious second I spend with her without being filled with guilt that I’m not doing something else. I want to be surprised and proud when she says a new word, and I want to revel in it. I want to feel the excitement radiating from her. I want to dance around the kitchen, sing while giver her baths and watch her sleeping in her crib.
I want to be moved to tears when Charlotte reaches her arms up to me and says, “Pwease!” because she wants me to hold her.
And I’m tired of missing out on these things because my mind is elsewhere.
I am indifferent to almost anything unrelated to my daughter.
I am not sorry for that.
Maybe this “Early-Year Indifference” will give way to “Mid-Year Motivation.” Who knows? For now, I’m going to be grateful and take advantage of every possible moment.