Mothers talk about things like this in private, and a few have been outspoken about it. … I still feel like a bad mom when I say it, but sometimes I just can’t do it.
Obviously, I can and I do, but there are minutes, hours and one or two days where I just feel defeated.
I don’t want to be crawled all over, pinched, scratched or hit. I don’t want to sit in front of a high chair for an hour. I don’t want to say “no,” and be ignored. I don’t want to listen to tantrums or unwarranted crying.
So I feel frustrated, and more than once, I’ve shed tears during these moments of mommy weakness. I try so hard not to raise my voice or get angry.
… Because I did. I did yell once. The look of fear and then awful crying that followed broke my heart more than anything I have experienced. And despite my being at fault, she crawled to me for comfort, making me feel that much worse.
During these times – times like tonight – I shove all of my “I don’t wants” deep down inside me. I become a jungle gym. I let her eat for as long as she wants, one tiny bite at a time. I say no over, and over, and over again. And I try to soothe as comfort as much as I can.
The tension on my jaw gets tighter causing my TMJ to flare up, but it’s all for the greater good – the screaming 11 month old one room over. The keeper of my heart, and potential destroyer of my sanity.